Barney Fife Realty Part Deux
Barney Fife Realty Part Deux
Getting back to where we left off on Season 6 Episode 15 of the Andy Griffith Show, Barney has embarked on a lucrative career in real estate. He has “nudged” Sheriff Andy Taylor into considering selling his house to buy the larger home with the big trees out by the highway that belongs to the Williams family. Andy has talked it over with Aunt Bea and she seems to be all for it.
The doorbell rings at Andy’s house and it’s Barney. He says excitedly, “I got a couple out in the car. Can I bring them in?”
Andy says, “You got what?”
“I’ve got customers in the car. They want to see your house!” Barney says.
“Now?” Andy asks.
“Yes, now!” Barney says as Aunt Bea comes into the living room. Andy explains that Barney has some customers in the car to see the house…right now. Aunt Bea tells Barney she can’t have people coming in just like that… she needs time to straighten out the house, it’s a mess. Andy asks Barney to have the come back another time.
Barney exclaims, “No, no, no! I’ve been telling them about the house and have them worked up to a fever pitch! We can’t let them cool off. This might be it! Besides, the house looks great, it looks marvelous! What do you say?”
Aunt Bea agrees, but they need a few minutes to straighten things up a little. So, they scurry around the living room picking up things and stuffing them in the coat closet including Opie by mistake. The buyers come in and introductions are made. It’s Mr. and Mrs. Simms. Opie pops out of the closet to their surprise. The buyers are surveying the living room and Andy says that he was thinking of painting in here in a month or two.
Barney leans over and whispers in Mr. Simm’s ear, “There is a little work to be done but with your imagination you folks could really do something with this one.” Andy tells them that they really love it here.
Mr. Simms asks Andy why he is selling, and he replies, “Too small” as Aunt Bea says, “too big.” He then explains that they might buy the Williams’ house. Mr. Simms asks Barney where that house is. Barney replies that it is way out in a different neighborhood, and “not for you folks!”
They go into the kitchen and look around. Mrs. Simms is impressed. Andy says he painted the whole room and gave it all two coats! Opie remembers the lesson Andy gave him about telling the truth about things that were wrong with his bicycle when he was trying to sell it and pipes in that you can’t hardly even see the crack in the ceiling now.
With the buyers’ eyes fixated on the ceiling, Opie asks his father, “you gonna tell them about the noise in the faucet, Pa?” Mr. Simms spins around and turns on the faucet. It rumbles, groans, and rattles. Barney says it probably just needs a washer. They finish looking at the rest of the house. Barney says the house has a few minor issues and it all could be taken care of for $100.00.
Then Opie says, “Did you forget to tell them about the roof, Pa? You know how it leaks.” Andy sheepishly tells the buyers that if you have a real big heavy storm then you might get a few drips. “But, Pa, we only had a drizzle last week and you had to get out that big bucket.” Mr. and Mrs. Simms cannot leave fast enough.
Andy and Opie have one of those “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander” talks in which Opie comes out on top.
The next morning Barney is fit to be tied. He tells Andy “Do you know what that boy of yours cost me? $3,478!” Andy says that’s a lot of money, how did he figure that? Barney says. “I had the Clarks buying the Mortensons’ house, the Mortensons buying the Simms’ house, the Simms buying your house, and you buying the Williams’ house. Add the total at five percent, that’s $3,478. I had 3,478 semolians until that kid of yours opened his big mouth!”
Just then the phone rings at the P.D. and it is Mr. Simms. Barney had been trying to reach him. He convinces them to talk with him again that evening. Barney drags the Simms over to Andy’s that night for another look at the house. On arrival, Barney tells the Simms that the house does need a little work you know and perhaps Opie was exaggerating about the things that were wrong with the house. Andy steps up to the plate and replies that no, no, everything that Opie said is true and that he wasn’t exaggerating. He says, “I gotta level with you. The house is thirty-five years old and there are things wrong with it.”
Mr. Simms thinks that Andy is trying to get out of selling him the house and says he will give them a full price offer right now! Andy says to hold on a moment. The only way he is going to sell his house is if he can buy the Williams’ house and they haven’t been in it for years. Barney, almost wetting his pants, jumps up to set up a showing!
Andy and Aunt Bea go to look at the Williams house and they tell Mr. Williams that he has done it up real nice. They all sit down in the living room and in comes Mr. Williams’ son. The same boy that Opie was trying to sell his bicycle to… the bike with the bad coaster brake, the broken chain, and bad inner tubes. The boy’s feet are soaked and his dad asks him if he has been down at the creek this time of night”
He says “No, I have been here all this time, down in the basement sailing my boat!?
Andy repeats him, “Down in the basement sailing your boat?!”
“Yes,” he replies, “there’s about a foot of water down there. It’s great! And, oh yes, Dad. The crack in the furnace is getting big. I guess we’ll have to get a new one like the man said.” Predictably, Andy decides to keep his own home and suggests that Mr. Williams should do the same.
You should tune in and watch Barney’s final meltdown as a real estate agent. Like I said, anyone can be a real estate agent…but not everyone will stay one.
Data compiled using the NEREN MLS system